I feel so ashamed of my self right now. My eyes are red and my throat is raw from crying. Even now as I attempt to put my thoughts to paper, hot tears crowd my eyes, pinching and stinging, eager to escape their tiny jail. The words blur once more as I lose the battle against my emotions and allow myself to howl into  my pillow again…

EARLIER ON…

” Shami, tell me again why I can’t drop you off by Haddon and Sly…”

” I already told you Steven, it’s a crowded place plus my mom works nearby and she might see us…”  I replied avoiding his eyes.

Sighing heavily, he braked and parked the car in the lonely street and turned to look at me.

“Shamiso… I know you well enough to know that you are deliberately lying to me right now,” He took his hands in mine, ” Tell me the truth sweetheart, ”

“Steven! ” I gasped, ” How can you not believe me? I’m telling you the truth. There is no other truth than what I’m telling you, ”  Steven did not reply instead he looked out of the window, a faraway look in his black eyes. My hand lay inert in his. My heart worked away excitedly in its myogenesis. There was a deep silence in the car and I was beginning to feel agitated. Nervously I shift around in my seat, willing him to say something. I  soon regretted that wish…

“Shamiso, you’ve been lying all along and you know it. I know it. We both know it and there’s no point in denying it, ” Suddenly my hands became very interesting, ” I’ve been trying to runaway from the truth for quite a while now, but somehow it always has a habit of catching up to me and I find my self tormented each and every second thinking about it. But I can’t go on like this anymore my love. I have to face facts now, ” I felt his eyes on me but I refused to look up at him.

“Shamiso… I embarrass you don’t I?”

Another period of silence ensued in which neither one of us spoke. His words pierced me to the core. How could I raise my voice and refute his claim when it was the truth as it was? Shame engulfed me causing my hands to sweat and my whole body to burn as though on fire. Clumsily my hands reached for the door, turned the handle and jumped out of the car as soon as the door was opened…

 

Six hours have passed since that altercation and I have been crying non stop since then. I’ve since put my phone on silent now because it has been ringing perpetually since then and I don’t want to talk to Steven while I’m in this state. What he said is true and that’s what hurts… I love him, yes my heart loves him but somehow it fails to convince my mind to ignore what it knows the world is going to think and say. I’m embarrassed of what he is- no not what he is but what makes me ashamed is what he is not, what he does not have, what those around him would accept and approve of. And no matter how much I do love him, the knowledge of this refuses to be erased. It sticks to my mind and makes me look over my shoulder each time that I am with him, forcing me to act like a fugitive … They say that love is blind, but the truth is that love is not blind after all… And I still don’t know what to do…

TO BE CONTINUED…

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